Relearning to paddle my own canoe: Regaining independence after a complex injury.
‘The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.’
~ Jack London, author, journalist and social activist
Intro
“F**k this – this is so bullsh*t.”
“F**k”
“This is so f**king rubbish – just get moving, Chris – you slow b*stard, kids are overtaking you!”
I sat there swearing loudly at myself. My girlfriend walked ten metres ahead of me, trying to avoid association with me and rightly so – I was a real picture sat there in my wheelchair, swearing loudly on a bustling London street.
But I didn’t notice anyone, I was just focussed on getting myself the two hundred metres to the café without falling off the uneven pavement and into the road.
I didn’t want to be pushed anymore – just to get there under my steam and get us both brunch in our favourite cafe – just like in the months before I had my accident. I wanted the achievement to be a result of my own effort.
Relinquishing control
One of the hardest things I experienced during my recovery from a mountaineering injury, was to be physically and spiritually supported by my partner, family and friends.
I was in a wheelchair when I first left hospital. My partner had to push me around when I wasn’t strong enough to go more than a few metres on the crutches. Whilst I had completed ultramarathons like the Marathon des Sables the previous year; my fitness had utterly deteriorated from the 3 months in a hospital bed – so I had to rely on her to help in almost all daily activities.
Growing up in single-parent household and living in social housing, I was keen to change public perceptions about people from those backgrounds. As a former military officer, I was used to being very independent and motivating others so was a shock to the system to be back relying on people to help me get through day-to-day life.
Independence is a source of personal pride and completing physical challenges gives me self-confidence. It can be a real hurdle when you’re not able to metaphorically ‘paddle your own canoe’ (i.e., fulfil your own potential) so to speak.
Furthermore, unhelpful gender stereotypes and social conditioning makes it hard to be your characteristically upbeat self when you constantly have to ask others to help you with basic things. I resolved to not take my mobility for granted ever again.
I walk slowly, but never backwards ~ Abraham Lincoln
As organisms, we build social capital with others so that if we ever have to ask for help, it will (hopefully) be there to call upon should we experience a spell of bad luck: We get out, what we put in.
When I was ready to start working, the pandemic came around. I watched my vocation as a travel risk management consultant disappear - and with it, my ability to start repaying the support I had generously been given, making the mental battles even more tricky.
Whilst the entire period was a painful one, it did give me some incredible insight into how the human spirit can endure these challenges – and by how not constantly offering to help to people can sometimes be a better mental recovery strategy for them. No one ever wants to feel or be reminded of their incapacities, so let’s try not to draw attention to them unnecessarily.
Friends from the military were the best for this as they would primarily treat me like before the injury until I asked them to push me in the wheelchair if I felt incapable.
This experience had a profound effect on changing my risk appetite, so that I wouldn’t put myself back in this position anytime soon.
When a close friend had an accident, I saw the same frustration that I had felt, coming through in him. It was like observing myself just 18 months earlier - a difficult place to be in.
The future
I yearn to see the surprise on people’s faces when I talk about an achievement again.
However, I must accept this will take a long time to return – so I’ll be patient. My approach to risk will be different; nothing will be done in vain without a specific outcome - gone are the days of cavalier undertakings.
We all want respect, admiration and to be important